The crap joke thread

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The crap joke thread

Postby lebowski » Mon 12 Sep 2005, 1:36 pm

not sure if this has been done before but im sure we all know some crap jokes come on lets hear them all

stolen from elsewere
Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for 6 days.
Eventually, on the 7th day, the Archangel Gabriel found Him resting under a shady cloud.
"Where have you been for the past 6 days?" Gabriel enquired.
God replied "Look what I've made" pointing downwards through the clouds.
Gabriel looked puzzled. "What is it?" he enquired.
God replied "It's a planet, and I've put life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it is going to be a place of great balance".
"What balance?" enquired Gabriel.
God pointed down to the different areas of Earth and explained "North America will be place of opportunity and wealth whilst South America will see great poverty and hardship. The Middle East will be very hot while Russia will be very cold. Over there will be a continent of white people and over there the people will be black. This country will be hot and arid and that one will be cold and covered with ice"
The Archangel was very impressed with God's work. He pointed to another area and said "what's that?"
"Ah", said God, "that's the North of England, the most glorious of my creations. There are beautiful people, seven Premiership football teams in the North West alone and many impressive cities. It is the home of the worlds finest artists, musicians, writers, thinkers, explorers and politicians. The people from the North of England are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they are going to be found travelling all over the earth. They will be high achievers and extremely sociable and hard working and they will be known throughout the world as the speakers of truth".
Gabriel gasped in wonder but then asked "but what about the balance - you said there would be great balance".
God replied "and so there will be - you want to see the bunch of wa****rs I've put in the South of England".
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Postby Letchferrit » Mon 12 Sep 2005, 4:29 pm

Pmsl.

Thats why im an honorary northern type person :wink:
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Postby Yakker » Mon 12 Sep 2005, 8:18 pm

Letchferrit wrote:Pmsl.

Thats why im an honorary northern type person :wink:



feckin southerners - the only true Northerner is Raven - and someone else who I cant remember at the moment - but it will come to me just after they post up complaining :oops:


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Postby widnesboy » Tue 13 Sep 2005, 7:14 am

I'm a true northerner, and so are crilly and daz. QED.
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Postby lebowski » Tue 13 Sep 2005, 8:54 am

not a north v south thread weve had lots of those, lets hear some of them crap jokes

Like this one:

What do you do if you come across a tiger?

Say sorry and wipe it off.
Last edited by lebowski on Tue 13 Sep 2005, 10:26 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Postby Dillonstar » Tue 13 Sep 2005, 9:13 am

What do you call a dog with 5 d*cks?

[spoiler]Lulu & Take That![/spoiler]


Who's the coolest guy that works at the hospital?

[spoiler]The Ultra sound guy![/spoiler]


What's red and invisible?

[spoiler]No tomatoes![/spoiler]


What the difference between a Hedgehog and a Celtic supporters bus?

[spoiler]A hedgehog's got pr*cks on the outside!!! (sorry Christo!)[/spoiler]


How many Freudians does it take to change a lightbulb?

[spoiler] 2 - One to change the lightbulb and the other to hold the penis,eh, ah, I MEAN LADDER!!! :oops: [/spoiler]

:D

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Re: The crap joke thread

Postby Mr Frosty » Tue 13 Sep 2005, 12:15 pm

lebowski wrote:not sure if this has been done before but im sure we all know some crap jokes come on lets hear them all

stolen from elsewere
Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for 6 days.
Eventually, on the 7th day, the Archangel Gabriel found Him resting under a shady cloud.
"Where have you been for the past 6 days?" Gabriel enquired.
God replied "Look what I've made" pointing downwards through the clouds.
Gabriel looked puzzled. "What is it?" he enquired.
God replied "It's a planet, and I've put life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it is going to be a place of great balance".
"What balance?" enquired Gabriel.
God pointed down to the different areas of Earth and explained "North America will be place of opportunity and wealth whilst South America will see great poverty and hardship. The Middle East will be very hot while Russia will be very cold. Over there will be a continent of white people and over there the people will be black. This country will be hot and arid and that one will be cold and covered with ice"
The Archangel was very impressed with God's work. He pointed to another area and said "what's that?"
"Ah", said God, "that's the North of England, the most glorious of my creations. There are beautiful people, seven Premiership football teams in the North West alone and many impressive cities. It is the home of the worlds finest artists, musicians, writers, thinkers, explorers and politicians. The people from the North of England are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they are going to be found travelling all over the earth. They will be high achievers and extremely sociable and hard working and they will be known throughout the world as the speakers of truth".
Gabriel gasped in wonder but then asked "but what about the balance - you said there would be great balance".
God replied "and so there will be - you want to see the bunch of wa****rs I've put in the South of England".


You deserve a medal or something, that's class :)
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Postby baboon » Tue 13 Sep 2005, 12:24 pm

A camera man and a sound man are in the jungle filming a tiger when the tiger notices them, and starts creeping towards them.

The camera man turns to see the sound man putting on his running shoes.

You'll never outrun a tiger, says the camera man.

Doesn't matter, says the sound man, as long as I can outrun you.
Welcome to Hotel Ass Kicking. Your room is ready.
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Postby Dillonstar » Tue 13 Sep 2005, 1:36 pm

So congratulations go to England for winning the Ashes.

But do you know who last screwed the Ozzies and brought home the ashes???

[spoiler]Paula Yates....![/spoiler]

Topical and Tasteless - just the way I like it :wink:

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Postby Jonah » Wed 14 Sep 2005, 10:54 am

Why are pirates called pirates??

Cos they Arrrrggggghhh!!!


-------------


The dodo died. Then Dodi died, Di died and Dando died... Dido must be
shitting herself.


-------------

and to continue to piss taking out of us southerners :


Q. How much does a cockney spend on Shampoo per month?


A. About a Pan ten
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Postby Boba UK » Wed 14 Sep 2005, 11:06 am

I'm just going to the armo.... oh.



(c) 1876 ByTor
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Postby Mulletino » Thu 15 Sep 2005, 2:05 am

2 fish in a tank, one says to the other "how the fuck do we drive this then?"

2 Parrots on a perch, one says to the other "you smell fish?"

What's big and small at the same time?
[spoil]a big egg[/spoil]

Here's one for the Suvveners (Needs an Essex accent)

2 peanuts at a rave, a cashew comes up and says "Es? Speed? Trips? Smoke?"
The peanuts reply "[spoil]nah fanks mate, we're salted[/spoil]"

/exit stage left.
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Postby Jonah » Fri 16 Sep 2005, 2:13 pm

Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of golfer Juan Gonzalez.

"How was he killed?" asked one detective.

"The witnesses said the killer used a golf gun," the other detective replied.

"A golf gun?! What the hell is a golf gun?"

"I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan."
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Postby widnesboy » Fri 16 Sep 2005, 2:35 pm

why did the mexican throw his wife off a cliff?

Tequila.
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Postby Jonah » Mon 19 Sep 2005, 9:13 am

What do you call a Kangaroo with a Cardigan on?.






Colin.
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