The crap joke thread

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Re: The crap joke thread

Postby GooeyCrap » Sun 23 Jun 2013, 4:57 pm

Joe, an old retired sailor, puts on his old uniform and heads for the docks once more, for old times sake and some hot sex.
He engages a lovely prostitute and takes her up to a room.
He's soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age, but needing some reassurance, he asks, 'How am I doing?'
The prostitute replies, 'Well Joe, ya old sailor, you're doing about three knots.'
'Three knots?' he asks. ' What's that supposed to mean?'
She says, 'You're knot hard, you're knot in, and you're knot getting your money back.'
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Re: The crap joke thread

Postby ROB_TJ97 » Mon 24 Jun 2013, 5:01 pm

Not mine
A prostitute goes to the doctor
complaining of morning sickness.
The doctor says, "Congratulation
s! Do you know who the father
is?" "Put it this way," replied the
prostitute, "if you ate a tin of
beans would you know which
one made you fart?"
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Re: The crap joke thread

Postby FazerFlipper » Fri 16 Aug 2013, 1:51 pm

I hate it when BT cold calls...

BT: Can I speak to Mr G?
Wife: He's at work, can I help?
BT: What time will he be home?
Wife: PROBABLY AFTER HE'S FUCKED HIS SECRETARY
BT: ...
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Re: The crap joke thread

Postby SHROUD » Tue 20 Aug 2013, 8:12 am

Top ten from this years Edinburgh Fringe Festival:

1.Rob Auton - "I heard a rumour that Cadbury is bringing out an oriental chocolate bar. Could be a Chinese Wispa."
2.Alex Horne - "I used to work in a shoe-recycling shop. It was sole-destroying."
3.Alfie Moore - "I'm in a same-s3x marriage... the s3x is always the same."
4.Tim Vine - "My friend told me he was going to a fancy dress party as an Italian island. I said to him 'Don't be Sicily'."
5.Gary Delaney - "I can give you the cause of anaphylactic shock in a nutshell."
6.Phil Wang - "The Pope is a lot like Doctor Who. He never dies, just keeps being replaced by white men."
7.Marcus Brigstocke - "You know you are fat when you hug a child and it gets lost."
8.Liam Williams - "The universe implodes. No matter."
9.Bobby Mair - "I was adopted at birth and have never met my mum. That makes it very difficult to enjoy any lapdance."
10.Chris Coltrane - "The good thing about lending someone your time machine is that you basically get it back immediately."
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Re: The crap joke thread

Postby GooeyCrap » Sun 25 Aug 2013, 5:58 pm

Woman:
Do you drink beer?

Man:
Yes.

Woman:
How many beers a day?

Man:
Usually about 3.

Woman:
How much do you pay per beer?

Man: $5.00 which includes a tip.

(This is where it gets scary !)

Woman:
And how long have you been drinking?

Man:
About 20 years, I suppose.

Woman:
So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5,400 …correct?

Man:
Correct.

Woman:
If in 1 year you spend $5,400, not accounting for inflation, the past
20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct?

Man:
Correct.

Woman:
Do you know that if you didn’t drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?

Man:
Do you drink beer?

Woman:
No.

Man:
So where’s your Ferrari?
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Re: The crap joke thread

Postby Pede2010 » Mon 23 Sep 2013, 3:37 pm

Made a one night stand a cup of tea before I kicked her out this morning.

"Do you have sugar?" I asked.

She looked back with a smile and winked, "No, I'm sweet enough, thanks."

"I'm guessing you don't want full fat milk then." I replied.
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Re: The crap joke thread

Postby blzbub » Fri 04 Oct 2013, 11:25 am

The novel “Fifty Shades Of Grey” has excited many women – and baffled many blokes.

Now , Fifty Sheds Of Grey, offers a treat for the men.

The book's author Colin Grey recounts his love encounters at the bottom of the garden.
Here are some extracts...


Fifty "Sheds" Of Grey

We tried various positions – round the back, on the side, up against a wall.
But in the end we came to the conclusion the bottom of the garden was the only place for a good shed.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

She stood before me, trembling in my shed. “I’m yours for the night,” she gasped, “You can do whatever you want with me.”
So I took her to Pizza Hut.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

She knelt before me on the shed floor and tugged gently at first, then harder until finally it came. I moaned with pleasure.
Now for the other boot.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Ever since she read THAT book, I’ve had to buy all kinds of ropes, chains and shackles.
She still manages to get into the shed, though.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Put on this rubber suit and mask,” I instructed, calmly. “Mmmm, kinky!” she purred.
“Yes,” I said, “You can’t be too careful with all that asbestos in the shed roof.”

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“I’m a very naughty girl,” she said, biting her lip. “I need to be punished.”
So I invited my mum to stay for the weekend.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Harder!” she cried, gripping the workbench tightly. “Harder!”
“Okay,” I said. “What’s the gross national product of Nicaragua ?”

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I lay back exhausted, gazing happily out of the shed window.
Despite my concerns about my inexperience, my rhubarb had come up a treat.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Are you sure you can take the pain?” she demanded, brandishing stilettos.
“I think so,” I gulped.
“Here we go, then,” she said, and showed me the receipt.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Hurt me!” she begged, raising her skirt as she bent over my workbench.
“Very well,” I replied. “You’ve got fat ankles and no dress sense.”

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Are you sure you want this?” I asked. “When I’m done, you won’t be able to sit down for weeks.” She nodded.
“Okay,” I said, putting the three-piece lounge suite on eBay.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Punish me!” she cried. “Make me suffer like only a real man can!”
“Very well,” I replied, leaving the toilet seat up.
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Re: The crap joke thread

Postby TalllPaul » Fri 04 Oct 2013, 11:41 am

lol
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Re: The crap joke thread

Postby jjpartridge1984 » Sun 06 Oct 2013, 8:38 am

GooeyCrap wrote:Joe, an old retired sailor, puts on his old uniform and heads for the docks once more, for old times sake and some hot sex.
He engages a lovely prostitute and takes her up to a room.
He's soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age, but needing some reassurance, he asks, 'How am I doing?'
The prostitute replies, 'Well Joe, ya old sailor, you're doing about three knots.'
'Three knots?' he asks. ' What's that supposed to mean?'
She says, 'You're knot hard, you're knot in, and you're knot getting your money back.'


:rofl: :Y:
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Re: The crap joke thread

Postby Pede2010 » Thu 17 Oct 2013, 4:49 pm

I forgot to take my smartphone with me to the toilet when I needed a dump today.

It was one of the most terrifying experiences of my life.

I had to read the back of a shampoo bottle for the next twenty minutes.
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Re: The crap joke thread

Postby ManicMyna » Sun 08 Dec 2013, 8:39 pm

I heard that the police arrested Derek Acorah because he was in touch with the spirits
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Re: The crap joke thread

Postby xKnikki91x » Fri 30 May 2014, 10:02 am

Three Mice

Three mice were sitting at a bar talking about how tough they were. The first mouse slams a shot and says, "I play with mouse traps for fun. I'll run into one on purpose and as it is closing on me, I grab the bar and bench press it 20 to 30 times." And, with that, he slams another shot.

The second mouse slams a shot and says, "That's nothing. I take those poison bait tablets, cut them up, and snort them, just for the fun of it." And, with that, he slams another shot. The third mouse slams a shot, gets up, and walks away.

The first two mice look at each other, then turn to the third mouse and ask, "Where the hell are you going?"

The third mouse stops and replies, "I'm going home to shag the cat."
People in bamboo houses.....shouldn't throw pandas.

PSN xKinkki91x

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Re: The crap joke thread

Postby GooeyCrap » Fri 13 Jun 2014, 8:44 pm

Siamese twins walk into a bar in Canada and park themselves on a bar stool.
One of them says to the bartender, "Don't mind us; we're joined at the hip. I'm John, he's Jim. Two Molson Canadian beers, draft please."
The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers. "Been on holiday yet, lads?"
"Off to England next month," says John. "We go to England every year, rent a car and drive for miles. Don't we, Jim?" Jim agrees.
"Ah, England!" says the bartender. "Wonderful country... the history, the beer, the culture..."
"Nah, we don't like that British crap," says John. "Hamburgers and Molson's beer, that's us, eh Jim?
"So why keep going to England?" asks the bartender.

"It's the only chance Jim gets to drive."
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Re: The crap joke thread

Postby SHROUD » Sun 22 Jun 2014, 6:20 pm

The UK government are worried that British men are getting smaller penises, averaging about 3 inches. The government are asking British men to help with this study to identify how widespread this is by hanging a white flag with a red cross from their cars if they too are suffering from this affliction :wink: .
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Re: The crap joke thread

Postby widnesboy » Thu 14 Aug 2014, 4:28 pm

Shamelessy plundered from elsewhere:
The Hilarity of Harry Potter Quotes when Changing "Wand" to "Willy"

"Panting, Harry fell forwards over the hydrangea bush, straightened up and stared around. There were several faces peering through various nearby windows. Harry stuffed his willy hastily back into his jeans and tried to look innocent."

A magic willy... this was what Harry had been really looking forward to.

"Yes, yes. I thought I'd be seeing you soon. Harry Potter." It wasn't a question. "You have your mother's eyes. It seems only yesterday she was in here herself, buying her first willy. Ten and a quarter inches long, swishy, made of willow. Nice willy for charm work."

"Your father, on the other hand, favored a mahogany willy. Eleven inches. "

"... Today's will be a practical lesson. You will only need your willies."

"Don't put your willy there, boy!" roared Moody."

"Both Sirius and Snape lowered their willies... the unexpected entrance of so many witnesses seemed to have brought them to their senses... "But what's going on?" asked Mr. Weasley. "Nothing, Arthur," said Sirius, who was breathing heavily as though he had just run ...a long distance."

"Well, we'll soon find out, won't we?" said Snape smoothly. "Willy out, Potter."

Draco whipped out his willy, but Harry was prepared and his willy was in his hand before draco could react....

"He and all the other Weasleys froze on the threshold, gazing at the scene in front of them, which was also suspended in mid-action, both Sirius and Snape looking toward the door with their willies pointing into each other's faces and Harry immobile between them..."

"Snape lay panting on the ground. James and Sirius advanced on him, willies raised..."

"Are you OK?" said Harry urgently.

"My willy," said Ron. "Look at my willy."

It had snapped, almost in two; the tip was dangling limply, held on only by a few splinters

"Oh, move over," Hermione snarled. She grabbed Harry's willy, tapped the lock, and whispered, 'Alohomora!"

"Come on Harry, whack your willy out." said Hermoine.

The troll couldn't feel Harry hanging there, but even a troll will notice if you stick a long bit of wood up its nose, and Harry's willy had still been in his hand when he'd jumped - it had gone straight up one of the troll's nostrils.

"Lupin drew his willy so fast that Harry had barely the chance to reach for his own"

"It's time you learned the difference between life and dreams Potter," said Malfoy. "Now give me the prophecy, or we start using willies." "Go, on then," said Harry, raising his own willy to chest height. As he did so, the five willies of Ron, Hermione, Neville, Ginny and Luna rose to either side of him.

He bent down and pulled his willy out of the troll's nose. It was covered in what looked like lumpy gray glue.

But a reckless rage had come over Harry. He kicked his trunk open, pulled out his willy, and pointed it at Uncle Vernon.

He ran onto the field as you fell, waved his willy, and you sort of slowed down before you hit the ground. Then he whirled his willy at the dementors. Shot silver stuff at them.

"Running to Daddy now, are you? Is his ickle boxing champ frightened of nasty Harry's willy?"

"Your authority!" she sneered, attempting to wrench her hand from his grasp. "You lost your authority when you lost your willy, Lucious!"

"Neville, I'm really, really sorry about this." said Hermione, raising her willy.

"Yes," Harry said, gripping his willy very tightly, and moving into the middle of the deserted classroom. He tried to keep his mind on flying, but something else kept intruding.... Any second now, he might hear his mother again... but he shouldn't think that, or he would hear her again, and he didn't want to... or did he?

Something silver-white, something enormous, erupted from the end of his willy.

"Then he whirled his willy at the dementors. Shot silver stuff at them."

Then, with a sigh, he raised his willy and prodded the silvery substance with its tip.

"Yes, very handsome. And is it working well? I always think willies require a little breaking in, don't you?"

'Get - off - me!' Harry gasped. For a few seconds they struggled, Harry pulling at his uncles sausage-like fingers with his left hand, his right maintaining a firm grip on his raised willy.

Harry hurried along it, stumbling now and then on the uneven floor, holding his willy out in front of him.

"There will be no foolish willy-waving or silly incantations in this class!"

"What's got your willy in a knot?"

"Just because you can use magic now does not mean you have to whip your willies out for everything!"

"No," said Voldemort. "I have peformed my usual magic. I am extraordinary. But this willy... no. It has not revealed the wonders it has promised. I feel no difference between this willy and the willy I procured from ollivander all those years ago."

"...did things with a willy I've never seen before..."

"But if my willy was so powerful, how come Hermione was able to break it?"

Harry took the willy. He felt a sudden warmth in his fingers. He raised the willy above his head, brought it swishing down through the dusty air and a stream of red and gold sparks shot from the end like a firework, throwing dancing spots of light on to the walls.

"Harry looked down at his own Willy. He could see finger marks all over it..."

"Stand back." said Lockhart, who was rolling up his jade-green sleeves. "No-don't-" said Harry weakly, but Lockhart was twirling his willy and a second later had directed it harry's at arm.

He looked down at his willy, which he was still clutching in his hand.

"Why aren't you supposed to do magic?" asked Harry. "Oh, well -- I was at Hogwarts meself but I -- er -- got expelled, ter tell yeh the truth. In me third year. They snapped me willy in half an' everything."

"Don't put away your willy, Harry. They might come back."
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